Day in the life of a depressed and anxious person

I have depression. I have anxiety. When I have both it's a living hell.

On my good days I feel like I am in the middle of the road. Life is bearable and I just go about

my days as somewhat normal. Sometimes I am a little numb. Sometimes I try not to show emotion so I don't embarrass myself.

After this paragraph you will think I am crazy and this chick has problems. Well yeah, you think?! Those who  know me in person might run off because they don't want to be burden by my emotions and would just think they are better off without me.

But when I get anxious it is only because I don't want the worst to happen. I get butterflies in my stomach that make me nervous and it just becomes overwhelming because you can feel it building and building. The feeling is so intense that you don't want to feel anything at all. This is were it becomes unbearable and just comes over you as you don't know what to do. 

THEN the depression comes in. You feel bad for going crazy and feel like you don't want to be around anyone because you feel bad for going crazy and just try to stay out of everyone's way because you feel it is better this way. You then think you are better off not breathing as a result of your bad experiences

 That everything feels pointless. I generally feel like this for days before I can get back to that somewhat kind of normal.

But here is the killer. When BOTH happens you feel everything. You over think everything even the trivial problems and whilst this is happening more upsetting things come into your head. The crying never stops and you feel like nothing and no one can help you. The frustration sets in and you feel like you could do something you regret the next day.

I am always trying to do things to make myself a better person because I do not think I am a good person at all no matter what anyone else says. I can't just cope just by doing things anymore. This is an ongoing battle with no conclusion. I can only be strong for so long. I'm always going to need some kind of help. I have been taking medication and getting professional help. But it only takes the edge off. It's never going to go away. It is what it is.

Relationships: When you learn

I have learned a lot about myself in recent years. I have learned more about what I can and cannot tolerate, How to handle things better. And I often think about how I feel about certain things in my life and try to figure out how to deal with them emotionally in the future like I always have.

Even when you are in your early 20s you are still learning a lot about yourself and sometimes you don’t know it until you are a little bit older. You are still in some kind of party mode and somewhat a loof. But within some kind of direction in life inside your head. Sometimes you get into situations that you are not aware of or even sure of only because you don’t have enough knowledge of it.

When I was in my controlling relationship I could only see love. I was completely unaware of the consequence because I was so dangerously happy. I might be contradicting myself here. However, I never really got a chance to enjoy my 20s as much as I’d like to or even got a chance to really do what I wanted. But I was already quite independent. My life ended up being on hold because of this and having “Demon” ended up being my only coping skill. We generally learn from our results when it is too late and can often have repercussions. But sometimes it ends up being a good thing because it can help us protect ourselves better.

Now I am no psychologist and I am no expert. But there is such as a thing as being self overprotective and sometimes that is one of my weaknesses. I think this occurred after my relationship with Demon failed. I really don’t want to get hurt again in any way just like the rest of us and I want to prevent those same bad things from happening. I am now in a relationship where I am learning how to make more accept ions because it’s different. I am being treated in a much better manner and I know a lot more than what I used to. I am learning to still be able to take charge of my life without being emotionally dependent on this person. I’m also learning how to love unconditionally again. But still be careful and be smart about it. I am always learning about myself in things especially when it comes to loving relationships. I have burnt so many bridges because of problems with others, where my self protection kicks in. But now I feel ready to built more friendships . Out of this am willing to open myself up along this knowledge.

We are born to learn. It is within our nature to start life with not knowing anything. My Grandmother always said that you are never too old to learn because you spent your whole life continuing to gain knowledge about everything.

I have learned how to truly emotionally appreciate that it is a very valuable and great life experience especially if it is something you have felt wanted to learn for so long. You feel this with what you love to do. When you learn about yourself more with making these psychological accept tions and having more knowledge you can move on. I have been stuck in this place for years with this fear of getting emotionally hurt again that I had this possibility that I couldn’t move forward. I kind of see this now. Just by writing this blog I learn the true meaning of doing research and going in with an open mind. I can still have my guard up. But within moderation. Not only I know it. But I feel it.

Abusive relationships don't have to always be physically abusive!

WARNING: 

This blog post is really emotional and may contain content that may offend some readers.

 

We have all been abused at some point of our lives and it can be really sad if you don't know different types of or only one type of abuse. I will tell you what it means to go through it. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and it had lead me into some kind of psychosis.
Here's my story.

When I was 22 I was living with my father. We were going through a tough time because he wanted me to try and move out and make my own way.  But it was hard because of my money situation. It was bad enough that I use my friends as a escape goat to stay away from my father. But out of it all my dad was a good father.
During this time I was on a dating website and used to hang out on their chatroom. I was feeling a bit lonely and usually would just spend a fair bit of time on my computer talking to people and web-searching thing I was interested in after I'd do my Job-search. I then met this guy who went by the nickname "Demon" and started a cam chat.

We hit it off really well. I found out he was in a metal band and was a graphic designer. He found out I sing. We had a lot in common. Our cam chats turned into really long phone calls and I started to really like him.  We eventually met and went out to dinner.
The relationship got really serious really quickly when my relationship with my father at the time got worse. I had a death in the family with the passing of my cat (Don't laugh!) and my mother couldn't believe the things that my father was saying to me. "Demon" was also temporarily living with his mum until he found a stable home himself.
About 3-4 months into the relationship we decided to move in together. I was so overly happy! I felt liberated and free. I started applying for even more jobs and attending more job interviews. I didn't stuff around. I was quite independent and not worried about anything. I felt positive and the momentum just kept going.
We then moved into a bigger place. a wonderful two story townhouse. It was better than our upstairs apartment. We were really happy and were able to to be fully settled within a few days.

But here was the reality
We used to fight a fair bit, which was really hard. He seemed quite set in his ways about everything even everything in our relationship. He'd get angry at me when I wasn't proactive or doing something wrong, complaining that the house was a mess and say really absurd things about me not "listening taking action and obeying", which were his exact words. Every time we had a fight he'd emotionally hold me down and give me a 5 hour lecture about how much I  am in the wrong. these lectures  would happen early at night til really early in the morning, when we are supposed to work the next day. I never ever got a say in any of our arguments and no matter what a said all he could ever say is "Are you finished yet". I would always feel like I am on trial for murder or something like that.
When we would have sex we would be halfway through and sometimes when I am halfway through I loose my libido so I would just say no. But Demon would just keep going and say "hold on I'm nearly finished"
 In the car he was a very angry person, he would growl and cuss at the driver in front of him to get them to move. He would make racist remarks about Asians and how rude they are.
There was also a time when he called me into his study so we could talk. He mentioned about the possibility of me getting breast implants. But he made the condition that if we ever broke up I would have to find a way to pay for them. I couldn't believe that he was mentioning it in the first place seeing as I have enough body insecurities already. But I went along with it and looked at possible surgeries with him anyway.
But I thought that this was somewhat normal and just carried on feeling guilty.

The End of the relationship 
So I'd be about to get into my hobbies again seeing as Demon was busy doing things on his computer. He walks up the stairs to the bedroom and says "I don't think we are going very well" .
He had so many excuses like I had four jobs since being with him, that I became his dependent. I was so overcome with emotion that all I could do was turn to my mother, who knew everything that was going on.
Three days after staying with her and the days after my Birthday I decide to come back to talk to Demon to decide what I want to do. But as soon as he got home he was talking to another woman on the phone. I was even more upset. Just when he makes a new wound he makes another new wound. double whammy. we had another fight. Before I realize it I came back to get my stuff, have it put in storage.

The big aftermath
This was when I was struggling emotionally. I had no one else but my family to turn to and lost all my coping skills. I went from being like a controlled housewife to being back in limbo. This was when I tried to kill myself.
But my life wasn't over yet. I knew in that moment that I needed help. Alot of help. I was in the psychiatric unit the next day and unable to even get out of bed. They medicated me until they found a caseworker for me. During that time I was missing Demon terribly. It seemed he was doing better than me. Three weeks later I got out and stayed at mum's longer. I started to get help.
During the time I was recovering I had found my own place, started studying again, started learning to drive and going out to the pub to help with my social life.

Reflection
When I was badly treated by Demon I thought that this was somewhat normal and just carried on feeling guilty and not really sure of how to handle it all. He manipulated me and controlled me for 18 months. He was in denial of it all and just didn't see it. I used to fall in a state of absolute panic every time something upset me, it was like it was the end of the world. I was so blindly in love with this person that I didn't see what the relationship was doing to me. In the past I had thought that if the person hadn't physically hurt me then I wouldn't be considered being an abusive relationship. I am a lot stronger now and have learned so much about what I can and cannot tolerate. It took me a long time before I could gain my own control of myself and my own life. I am 32 years old now and despite my anxiety and depression I am doing OK.

The Latest:
Demon tried to contact me again via Facebook. He said "It's been a while, message me sometime". I wasn't too happy about it. 7 years later? WTF! Then he came up with the story that one of his friends thought it would be funny to send me a message. But we all know that was bullshit. I did reply to the first message saying "Are you fucking kidding me"
I also found a message sent by Demon via MySpace from Last December. I only checked it now because these days I am not on it so much. He told the story that in those past two days he'd get a missed call from my number and wanted to check to see it was me. But we all know that was bullshit too. I replied and said "There is no way we are ever going to chat again so I suggest you stop contacting me or I will take legal action. I don't fucking need you in my life" .

What shall I say to this piece of work that belongs in my fuckwhit list?
Well I got a lot to say. But I won't say it to him because I know he will never ever listen to my thoughts and feelings after the way he treated me. It'd be a waste of breath and a waste of time and space. It is karma's job now. I am in full control my own life.

My Radio DJ Experience

(Pictures: Top: My radio station logo. Bottom: my mini studio)

Back in 2012  I had listened to other radio stations in the past and never thought that starting your own radio server on the internet would be possible or even somewhat easier with the technology we have today. I got inspired and then started my own radio station called J.U.Z.Z Radio to share my musical tastes.

At 12pm AEST every fortnight on a Tuesday (Australia time) I give up my workday just to play music to those who are interested and take requests for those who want their tunes heard.  I sit there for 7 hours lining up and playing songs from the 80s, 90s, alternative, metal, electronic genres and unsigned bands/artists and chat to people online when I could be earning another 50 odd bucks at my day job.

The reality                                             
Whilst being an internet radio DJ and an owner of a radio station was fun it was also very hard to get people to tune in especially if you had bands who didn't care about getting airplay or anyone you know of available to tune in at the time of your broadcasts. But these past few years I just did what I could.  What I do is very minuscule. I'd share all my radio links to other users in IMVU and Facebook to try and get some ratings. I don't do enough to get myself out there and simply because I don't know how. But sometimes I am OK with this because no money goes into the radio station and it's really just a hobby that gives me a bit of experience.  I just do the best I can.
 I also have had other DJ's and other radio hosts turn up to do their broadcasts and sometimes that is really hard. Not everyone is reliable enough to tell you when they can or can not Broadcast. So you can't guanatee and they can't guarantee that they will give your station consistent shows. What is hard too is that despite all your efforts you cant guarantee that the music you are playing is what people are really into. I can't figure out why bands don't seem to care very much about internet radio. As a musician I would KILL for radio airplay of any kind!
Then you got other technologies getting in the way of your radio ratings. Look at Pandora and Spotify, where all of the stations there just start on the first song in their playlists when a user connects! In a listener's eyes what have you got to loose, why would you want internet radio when there  are more and more options and listening flexibility elsewhere. No little radio station could keep up with that!

Uncertain Future
I have been doing this radio thing for nearly 4 years (roughly) and I am getting really tired. My boss at work doesn't listen to me when I can't come into work on the days I DJ and just rosters me on anyway. I don't get much emotional support from my family (Except for my mum and my stepdad) or much of my friends outside of the internet and feel like I need a reason to keep doing this. I have had my moments where I just want to quit. It's the listeners that really keep this going. But its the bands/solo artists and listeners that are the first to stop caring. I feel like there is an uncertain future here. It'd be a real plus to make something of this and earn more money. But It is also really difficult if even you yourself can't make your own shows because of life and technical difficulties. I know that can't do this forever because a radio station isn't a radio station without it's listeners.

My Kind of Limbo

Limbo

Noun 
An uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition.
(http://www.google.com) 

Everyone has their own definition of something. It just doesn't come from a dictionary. My definition of this is similar, Feeling lost and not being sure of what direction you want to take in life. It is also a feeling we all know and it brings anxiety to those who want a solution to something sooner. 

My current situation:

I have been in this feeling for a long time. I live in small country town where there isn't a lot of opportunity. I have a big house all to myself, which I do not own. I have a job that doesn't give me many shifts or makes me enough money and I am on Centerlink payments (Equivalent to government/welfare benefits). I have a limited social life,  so limited it is enough to make you feel alone when you don't want to be. I am at a stage in my life that I have lived in all this for so long that I realize that it is time to go.   

But where?  At least I have options.. But I admit it. I am a little afraid. Afraid of not getting by financially has been my biggest fear, fear of not getting work sooner in a new location. Then I also realize how long I'd last. I had been so comfortable for so long I feel stuck. It was another feeling I got used to. But now I want to get out of this town and it's like I have unwillingly emotionally trapped myself in my own house.  

Now I am staying for two weeks in another location with my boyfriend to see what this lifestyle feels like. I have been applying for jobs here everyday and have been easily been able to balance this with my music, getting fit at the gym and doing other hobbies.  At least I am doing something to stay sane whilst he is at work. The good thing is that I tend to feel happier in this location. My negative anxiety turns into a positive and things just seem bearable.

Being in limbo is such a funny feeling. But it has become a feeling I don't like and I know I am not alone there. It is amazing how I haven't even tried relocating yet and I'm already feeling like this. It's a weird feeling. like a feeling you have when there is nothing else to feel.This is the part I hate about being human. It would be great if we could have more control of how we feel.  That limbo feeling can be caused by life in general and making those serious life decisions that we all find daunting. You want to make  the change. But somehow you are fearful of the sacrifices you have to make. you are also somewhat fearful of the process of change. Being in Limbo is a very confining feeling. The kind of feeling that can put you into two minds about anything.

Now I question myself how do I get out of this feeling of entrapment? How do I bypass this slight fear of sacrifice? Do I think about what  I gain more IE More pros than cons? Can I do this?   

Then I question: Will I be able to get by financially? Will my relationship work out with my boyfriend? Will I ever find a back-up plan that could work for me? Will my next big move ever happen? What is the worst thing that could happen?
Well I guess only time will tell and I know that only I can get inspired to find my own solution. I have trouble taking advice from people and I don't know why.  I do listen to what others recommend and how they see different situations etc and it does help put some things into perspective. I do get some kind of help and support from family and a psychologist. But when it comes to my friends I just find it hard to confide in them. You can't rely on everybody. I guess that I gotta find a way to push myself no matter how hard this limbo feeling really is. I am hopeful that I can somehow get out of this.

Being the Jobseeker

(Picture: https://blog-content.glassdoor.com/app/uploads/sites/13/hire-me-sign.jpg)

So here I am on the wagon with this job seeking thing. But this is for a different stage of my life. you see I already have a job and live in a country town. But Now I want to relocate to another area and this is where I want that job. And no offense, There are a few things I do not like about employers.

Stating the Obvious
So I Sit here at my computer screen and I know where to start. There are three to four usual websites I go to that may help....as you do. I tend to spend about one or two hours looking and in the process of reading each job advertisement I outline all my strengths and think "Oh yes I have this, Oh yes I have that too, yes maybe this job does fit my skills and qualifications. I think I can do this." Now we all know that when you apply for a job it is essential to put a resume with an epic covering letter so you sit there an tailor that covering letter to highlight the job add how your skills fit this criteria. I am probably there for a good 10 to 15mins per application I do trying to make this happen without promises....as you do.

What I dislike:
I cant stand it when you apply for a job and employers don't ever try to make the time to call you or e-mail you back to tell you that you were not successful for the position and why (And sometimes it is the same for going for job interviews). I feel that it is rude and unfair and just plain inconsiderate. What are us Jobseekers doing wrong? why don't we qualify for your position? How can we fix this? How can we be better at this? You can't expect us to wait only to just assume that there is a high chance that it wasn't successful. We had the courtesy to give up our time to show you we are keen to join your company and apply for your job, Have the common courtesy to call us back!

Not only this I think that there should be more search options on some of these Jobsearch websites. 
What about something specific? what about a proper "sort by date" option that is easy to find on a page? There is No guarantee that the job you want to apply for is still available in two weeks time. On a number of occasions I have rung  up about a job position I was interested in and it was already filled. This job was posted 16 days ago and it is Still advertised. Why can't these website regulate it so that advertisements older than 7 - 10 days get automatically deleted.

We give up so much of our spare time cold canvasing, internet searching, keeping an eye out in newspapers etc that we feel tired. we have no control of what the employer wants to do after we go for any available position. We need money. But we also need and want to get out there and have a chance.  I believe that there is no chance if no chances are given. We put our offers on the table so we can help people. I know that this post seems personal. I know that it is just business. But I reckon employers also need to properly consider the emotions of people who take the time to make job applications. Like other things in life this Jobseeking task isn't easy and what is worse is that people with government payments get pressure to obey the rules or otherwise have their benefit payments cut off. When I move/relocate to my new location they will cut off my payments because I would need to quit my job (I live in Australia, we have Centerlink).  I'll probably suffer like the rest of them. But at least you know Jobseekers like me are actually doing something while the rich get richer. 

I might have more to add to this blog so stay tuned.