Day in the life of a depressed and anxious person

I have depression. I have anxiety. When I have both it's a living hell.

On my good days I feel like I am in the middle of the road. Life is bearable and I just go about

my days as somewhat normal. Sometimes I am a little numb. Sometimes I try not to show emotion so I don't embarrass myself.

After this paragraph you will think I am crazy and this chick has problems. Well yeah, you think?! Those who  know me in person might run off because they don't want to be burden by my emotions and would just think they are better off without me.

But when I get anxious it is only because I don't want the worst to happen. I get butterflies in my stomach that make me nervous and it just becomes overwhelming because you can feel it building and building. The feeling is so intense that you don't want to feel anything at all. This is were it becomes unbearable and just comes over you as you don't know what to do. 

THEN the depression comes in. You feel bad for going crazy and feel like you don't want to be around anyone because you feel bad for going crazy and just try to stay out of everyone's way because you feel it is better this way. You then think you are better off not breathing as a result of your bad experiences

 That everything feels pointless. I generally feel like this for days before I can get back to that somewhat kind of normal.

But here is the killer. When BOTH happens you feel everything. You over think everything even the trivial problems and whilst this is happening more upsetting things come into your head. The crying never stops and you feel like nothing and no one can help you. The frustration sets in and you feel like you could do something you regret the next day.

I am always trying to do things to make myself a better person because I do not think I am a good person at all no matter what anyone else says. I can't just cope just by doing things anymore. This is an ongoing battle with no conclusion. I can only be strong for so long. I'm always going to need some kind of help. I have been taking medication and getting professional help. But it only takes the edge off. It's never going to go away. It is what it is.