WARNING:
This blog post is really emotional and may contain content that may offend some readers.
We have all been abused at some point of our lives and it can be really sad if you don't know different types of or only one type of abuse. I will tell you what it means to go through it. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and it had lead me into some kind of psychosis.
Here's my story.
When I was 22 I was living with my father. We were going through a tough time because he wanted me to try and move out and make my own way. But it was hard because of my money situation. It was bad enough that I use my friends as a escape goat to stay away from my father. But out of it all my dad was a good father.
During this time I was on a dating website and used to hang out on their chatroom. I was feeling a bit lonely and usually would just spend a fair bit of time on my computer talking to people and web-searching thing I was interested in after I'd do my Job-search. I then met this guy who went by the nickname "Demon" and started a cam chat.
We hit it off really well. I found out he was in a metal band and was a graphic designer. He found out I sing. We had a lot in common. Our cam chats turned into really long phone calls and I started to really like him. We eventually met and went out to dinner.
The relationship got really serious really quickly when my relationship with my father at the time got worse. I had a death in the family with the passing of my cat (Don't laugh!) and my mother couldn't believe the things that my father was saying to me. "Demon" was also temporarily living with his mum until he found a stable home himself.
About 3-4 months into the relationship we decided to move in together. I was so overly happy! I felt liberated and free. I started applying for even more jobs and attending more job interviews. I didn't stuff around. I was quite independent and not worried about anything. I felt positive and the momentum just kept going.
We then moved into a bigger place. a wonderful two story townhouse. It was better than our upstairs apartment. We were really happy and were able to to be fully settled within a few days.
But here was the reality
We used to fight a fair bit, which was really hard. He seemed quite set in his ways about everything even everything in our relationship. He'd get angry at me when I wasn't proactive or doing something wrong, complaining that the house was a mess and say really absurd things about me not "listening taking action and obeying", which were his exact words. Every time we had a fight he'd emotionally hold me down and give me a 5 hour lecture about how much I am in the wrong. these lectures would happen early at night til really early in the morning, when we are supposed to work the next day. I never ever got a say in any of our arguments and no matter what a said all he could ever say is "Are you finished yet". I would always feel like I am on trial for murder or something like that.
When we would have sex we would be halfway through and sometimes when I am halfway through I loose my libido so I would just say no. But Demon would just keep going and say "hold on I'm nearly finished"
In the car he was a very angry person, he would growl and cuss at the driver in front of him to get them to move. He would make racist remarks about Asians and how rude they are.
There was also a time when he called me into his study so we could talk. He mentioned about the possibility of me getting breast implants. But he made the condition that if we ever broke up I would have to find a way to pay for them. I couldn't believe that he was mentioning it in the first place seeing as I have enough body insecurities already. But I went along with it and looked at possible surgeries with him anyway.
But I thought that this was somewhat normal and just carried on feeling guilty.
The End of the relationship
So I'd be about to get into my hobbies again seeing as Demon was busy doing things on his computer. He walks up the stairs to the bedroom and says "I don't think we are going very well" .
He had so many excuses like I had four jobs since being with him, that I became his dependent. I was so overcome with emotion that all I could do was turn to my mother, who knew everything that was going on.
Three days after staying with her and the days after my Birthday I decide to come back to talk to Demon to decide what I want to do. But as soon as he got home he was talking to another woman on the phone. I was even more upset. Just when he makes a new wound he makes another new wound. double whammy. we had another fight. Before I realize it I came back to get my stuff, have it put in storage.
The big aftermath
This was when I was struggling emotionally. I had no one else but my family to turn to and lost all my coping skills. I went from being like a controlled housewife to being back in limbo. This was when I tried to kill myself.
But my life wasn't over yet. I knew in that moment that I needed help. Alot of help. I was in the psychiatric unit the next day and unable to even get out of bed. They medicated me until they found a caseworker for me. During that time I was missing Demon terribly. It seemed he was doing better than me. Three weeks later I got out and stayed at mum's longer. I started to get help.
During the time I was recovering I had found my own place, started studying again, started learning to drive and going out to the pub to help with my social life.
Reflection
When I was badly treated by Demon I thought that this was somewhat normal and just carried on feeling guilty and not really sure of how to handle it all. He manipulated me and controlled me for 18 months. He was in denial of it all and just didn't see it. I used to fall in a state of absolute panic every time something upset me, it was like it was the end of the world. I was so blindly in love with this person that I didn't see what the relationship was doing to me. In the past I had thought that if the person hadn't physically hurt me then I wouldn't be considered being an abusive relationship. I am a lot stronger now and have learned so much about what I can and cannot tolerate. It took me a long time before I could gain my own control of myself and my own life. I am 32 years old now and despite my anxiety and depression I am doing OK.
The Latest:
Demon tried to contact me again via Facebook. He said "It's been a while, message me sometime". I wasn't too happy about it. 7 years later? WTF! Then he came up with the story that one of his friends thought it would be funny to send me a message. But we all know that was bullshit. I did reply to the first message saying "Are you fucking kidding me"
I also found a message sent by Demon via MySpace from Last December. I only checked it now because these days I am not on it so much. He told the story that in those past two days he'd get a missed call from my number and wanted to check to see it was me. But we all know that was bullshit too. I replied and said "There is no way we are ever going to chat again so I suggest you stop contacting me or I will take legal action. I don't fucking need you in my life" .
What shall I say to this piece of work that belongs in my fuckwhit list?
Well I got a lot to say. But I won't say it to him because I know he will never ever listen to my thoughts and feelings after the way he treated me. It'd be a waste of breath and a waste of time and space. It is karma's job now. I am in full control my own life.
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