The Day in the life of a Bisexual.

Picture: https://lunar-wolve.deviantart.com/art/Bisexual-flag-683367087

In my years bisexuality had become apart of my personal life. I learn't the differences between experiences between men and women and how it all defined this life. I read a blog about why bisexuals always get such a hard time and it made me do lots of contemplating.

But before I get into my daily experiences I will tell you my story:

Before I became even curious I had never heard of bi sexuality until I was in high school. It was in a place where it was just starting to become more common and I ended up fantasising the possibility that I too might be bisexual. I didn’t have any proper experiences til I was in my early to mid 20s. (I am now in my 30s) . It took me years to finally know what I was and when I did I came out to my mother. It wasn’t until very very recently she started to believe that it was not a phase and that it is actually apart of who I really am. After I got out of my last relationship she ended up supporting it and asking about whether I should find a girlfriend to have a relationship with. I proved to myself in the past that I can also fall in love with a woman.

My Experiences along with society views

My daily experiences as a bi sexual is a no different compared to a straight or gay person’s. I work a job, I pay my bills, I look after my family and friends if they need me. I live in my own place and own a driver’s licence, which are all seemly normal things. I have a personality that goes unchanged (unless I want it to). I am human. According to some blogs bisexuals are prone to sexual abuse and deal with the confusion from society of whether it is real or a phase. When I was in my previous relationship my Ex Boyfriend had also said that I would be most suited to be with a woman. I wasn’t sure why he’d say that considering at the time he was the only one I wanted to be with. But sometimes it goes to show how stupid society really is in my books.

My whole life I have not been seriously sexually abused or harassed physically or emotionally in this way. Or though the confusion from this society does piss me off because it makes me feel a little less accepted.

It seems that being gay or straight is far more acceptable than being bi. The blog I was reading is right. We do need to do more research into these things and as carefully as you would research anything else. The world is becoming a different place. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. We have no control over it. But we can read about it and think long and hard before we choose to make any decisions or have any future opinions about something...or anything for the matter. Have an open mind people! All we wanted was more acceptance. We are not confused.We  feel it so it is REAL.

You can find the blog I was reading at : http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/11/27/feature-why-do-bisexuals-get-such-a-hard-time/

Halloween in Australia? I’m confused!

In the Past 3 years or more I had discovered that Australians are now starting to celebrate Halloween in Australia especially the children. Some people are against it. I am Australian myself and I am completely confused!

Before I get into detail this is what Halloween is. It is a Celtic tradition that marks the start of a new season. Americans believe that doing it wards off all kinds evil. As we all know that the tradition involves dressing up into a costume, have parties and decorate your homes, the kids go trick or treating and knock on people doors for candy.

When I was growing up:

I was a child of the 80s/90s I had absolutely no idea what Halloween was nor had any understanding of what it entailed. Then I started seeing some American TV shows that had their Halloween specials being aired. I had a talk with my mother and she agreed to make me my first costume. I decided to go as a Ghost for a few hours. I never went trick or treating to decorated our house. It was very rare that we had trick or treaters knocking on our door at night and if we did we had no candy for them! I was raised that is was more of an American tradition.

So this is where my confusion sets in.

Why don’t we celebrate it? I was once told that they never would of thought to have witches in Australia. Now we have more media on board with it alongside having more and more trick or treaters knocking on our door every year. But there are so many mixed opinions now. Some people here still don’t celebrate it and treat Oct 31^st just like an ordinary day. Some have kids who fear missing out of having a bit of extra fun and want to be included, which is fair enough. Some people are undecided like myself.

Choice or Burden?

I am personally not against the tradition because I love to dress up, but most of the time I do it anyway because I am a bit of a goth. But sometimes it just doesn’t feel right when that date comes along all because of how I was raised. I have a lot of American friends and they can’t believe that most of us originally never celebrated it. No offence to them. But the Americans and the media love to go all out when it comes to traditions. It is definitely a cultural thing. But At the end of the day the Celtic started it. Then everybody else just followed through. There have been debates on Wether to ban it in Australia. But Australians are becoming more multicultural and more fluid because we have people from all over the world starting a new life here including Americans, Irish etc. We can’t ban a tradition because of our values and when everyone is having fun. That would be cruel. So if you can’t beat them why not join them? In my opinion Celebrating Halloween in Australia is a choice. Not a burden.

Marriage Equality: Why I vote YES!

I live in a country where Same sex marriages are illegal and it was enforced by the liberal government several years ago because of christian principles. And now the LGBTI community have been rallying all over the country to help legalize it so that they can have the same rights as people in straight Marriages, which they have been trying for years. We also have been making postal votes. Should it be legalize? Yes or no.

My view

I believe that this law should have NOT been enforced in the first place. Not only you take away their right to get married. But it also is a big headache for many other legal reasons. You also take away their right to be more accepted into society. This law is inhumaine and has kind of made the LGBTI community ostracized and like they can’t be open about their sexuality. Why should the government control how we get married in this world?

I voted yes to same sex marriage because I feel that everyone should have the right to get married. I want the LGBTI community to be just as much apart of our society. I also feel that it will alleviate some of the hate and crime that we have going on related to this issue. Society is becoming more accepting and I believe we all need to co exist. It’s about inclusion and treating everyone like human beings. I am hoping that it will create more peace and serenity to the world. Ostracizing LGBTI communities from this right is like firing someone from their job because they are black or white or from another country or even wearing shoes that do not affect how the person works. Your sexuality does not affect who you are or what you do. Our children are NOT damaged by this community because they have shown that they accept people unconditionally and we should be the same. I hope that if they do legalize it that they don’t change it back or ever touch it. It’s not about religion anymore.

Life is crazy and too short. Be kind to one another.

 

What I honestly think of myself.

I haven’t had much to write about lately because I had a car accident shortly after I broke up with my X B/F. It’s cool though because I came out mostly unscathed and had been compensated. Now I have no vehicle and not enough independence I can’t experience life like I used to So I constantly re-evaluate myself as a person. It’s a catch 22 because there is always going to be an upside and downside to it all among st other things in this life.

First, The Downsides:

• I have anxiety and depression, which is a lot of baggage for many people. It’s crazy because there are people who don’t seem to want to stick around. They feel they have to deal with it just by being there. But the I wonder ‘for how long?’ You see people always want to take the easy way out to make their lives easier. I am guilty of it because I sometimes want to escape myself. Therefore sometimes I do feel alone despite who is left to stick around.
• I sometimes beat myself up because I sometimes do things that I regret. It makes me feel like people have got the wrong impression of me all the time and I am always constantly feeling like I have to prove myself. I try my best not to worry about what others think of me. But it’s hard because all I ever wanted was to be more accepted.
• I sometimes have body issues, But who doesn’t. I accept what I can’t change.
• I sometimes trust too easily therefore I hurt myself because I still have a lot to learn about life.

The Upsides:

• I try to think of my good personality traits that make some people can or may benefit from. I do see myself as a kind, caring, compassionate person who is funny when they don’t mean to be funny and does the best they can to be anyone’s confidant. If I listed anymore I’d be labeled egotistical.
• Then I think of my favorite body parts...well the parts that are attached to me. I feel fortunate to have a nice face and that I have lost weight. I like my hands, my arms. Those are my favorites.
• Then I look at the things I can do. I can sing, songwriting, play guitar, Be a great radio DJ. Those are the things that make me feel good.
• I then finally look at what I have. I may not have a car or a partner in my life. But I do have my job, my family and even a few friends I have kept in what is left in my friend circle.

So Me, myself and I. We don’t always get along. But this is another great form of unconditional love. When I am happy I love myself better. When I am sad I even distance myself from myself including others. I guess you could say it was more of love/hate relationship. After all the blogs I have shared with you may think that you feel like know me already. But even I have a lot to learn about myself and that is a lesson you never stop learning.

How to love yourself

I just got over a break-up and have broken ties with many people who may threaten my ability to be who I am today. Just talking to a family member I realize how much I love myself again and this is not in a narcissistic way!

Give yourself some affirmations. What do you like about yourself? What makes you feel good as a individual. What are your strongest personality traits that make you strong and positive? When we concentrate on the positives we feel more empowered to keep going and to keep on living life the way that we see fit. Grab a notepad and write it all down and it will all be integrated with who you really are.

Take action and take charge of yourself.
What are you going to achieve? Think of the end result! What result do YOU want with everything in life? 

Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Treat yourself to one small simple pleasure. Go all out and find your self romance. You might want to run yourself a bath with candles and music, you might want to take yourself out shopping online or in the flesh. you might want to save up to take yourself to a retreat to take care of your soul and spiritual well-being. whatever you are into there are so many ways.

YOU ARE ENOUGH without limits.  Which is a lot! You have a lot more to offer the world than you realize. You don't have to be anymore than you need to be and you don't have to feel like you are not enough to anyone. Because you are the opposite!

Free yourself and take charge of your life. These points evaluate how great you will feel about yourself. NEVER constantly feel or think you are not inadequate and worthless to others. When you feel the realization with pure conviction you will know when and how you will love yourself. feel that self worth flowing into you like fresh air pouring into your lungs. Embrace what you feel is important TO YOU. Make yourself inferior without being in competition with others including yourself. Make some time for yourself and stress less.

We all have our own definition of what we feel makes us who we ad find our own way to cope with things in life in our ow way. Make yourself happy!

Top Mistakes People make in Relationships with Others.

"It doesn't matter what kind of  couple you are there is always love 

and when there are any problems there are always better ways to solve them. - TheJuZShoW. 

Pic: https://www.tumblr.com/search/lesbian%20hold%20hands )

I recently broke up with my boyfriend, which ended in a civil way. It made me really think that most some people don’t really know how to treat a woman. Agree to disagree. But here are the things that men and people do in relationships which I strongly hate. Both men and women should read this. Then, I’ll go over the things that are better. Agree or disagree.

Wrong Communication

1. Don’t EVER tell us in any way that you can find anyone else you want. You may think it might make your parter feel like we are the only ones. But this is not the case! It actually question your commitment towards them and even worse shows that you are not committed enough at all!

What is better?

The best thing you can do is not say this at all during conflicts. How about you voice your emotions about the conflicts that arise in the relationship and tell us how something makes you feel. People can be very compassionate and can empathize with others and would be more likely to understand your concerns.

2. Don’t EVER Tell us we need to do something when it relates to our body images for Example: You need to go to the gym more or you need to do this or that. You might think that you are trying to help us. But this makesyour partner feel like that we are not good enough to be with you and just makes them feel extremely small and worthless.

What is better?

Here is a better approach. If you parter is trying to do something active be more supportive and tell them that they did well and how, maybe go into detail as to why your partner went well. This gives your partner a sense of empowerment and accomplishment. Compliments like this will get you somewhere and maybe into the bedroom if you are lucky!

Controling

1. Don’t EVER tell your partner to take action, listen and obey. What are we? Kids? You gotta be kidding me!

This shows a lot of controlling behavior and often shows that you are telling your partener off about the mistakes being made.

Telling your partner this is not making us learn our mistakes.

2. Don’t EVER spend 5 hours trying to talk your partner down. It doesn’t work and again it shows you are controlling. BIG TURN OFF!

What is better?

Again, voice your emotions IE Say “It makes me feel upset when you do this and I think it would be better if you did this or we did this”

Sometimes constructive criticism is not as harsh as criticism itself!

Wrong Action

1. Don’t EVER make excuses to why you can’t be with someone. Yes your patner may understand that you are busy. But it makes them feel kind of unwanted and like they are wasting your time waiting for you to come home.

What is better?

It would be nice if you made more time for us and integrated us into your busy schedule. Also getting home on the time you say are getting on time you say you are would be really helpful.

2. Don’t EVER show infidelity. If you do not show affection or tell your partner you love  them, etc. they will find out.

What is better?

Fess up as to why the relationship isn’t going well. Can we fix the relationshp? Be honest!

Show fidelity! Stay faithful!

Bad Temper

1. Nothing is more of a turn off when a partner looses their cool in front of you and angrily knocks things related to the problem out of the way and throws them around. So what if you can’t get your BBQ to work or we spill something on your favorite things IE a car or couch . It’s trivial. Get over it! Because of our empathy and compassion your partner can get quite anxious, upset and feed of the anger. No one likes seeing their partner like this.

What is better?

Try to stay cool and civil during conflict. If something happens to us consider your partner first rather than materialistic things first.

I am sure that all these things will raise a lot of other concerns in a relationship and can strike up one hell of a conversation. So talk it out. What else do you think a big no no in a relationship? Talk to your friends, your family and of course your partner/spouse. Make sure you get male and female perspectives and opinions. It’s one of the best ways to find a solution to many things! How are you going to handle it?

Technology is a catch 22.

Technology, Technology, Technology. Where do I start? Well we all know that things are going really fast and whilst it’s quite neat it can also be damaging to our economy.

The Upside:

Today’s day in age we all want our lives to be more easier. I remember when I was going for job interviews in a big city I’d have to print out a map and the job add so I know what I am going to say and a sheet that shows my journey planner with public transport just to stay organized. Everything I did ended up on paper. Now you got maps, public transport information and a notepad all in one device: Our Smartphones. I remember how sometimes it was easy to get a bit lost. But how much harder it was to find ways to physically get back home in the spur of the moment. I find it really handy and useful that now in terms of transport that this is possible and that it gives me the confidence to be able to go out to an area that I didn’t know with a pretty quick back up plan.

When I was growing up Smart Phones didn’t have a CPU like computers have. They were slow and our data usage limits were small and in the megabytes, maybe less. Now these big companies are trying to make it possible that our batteries last longer, that our devices run much faster and that they are more efficient. This is one of the other neat parts about it. It helps us do useful things faster like make emergency calls better.

The Downside:

Everywhere I look there is always someone using their smartphones and tablets. As soon as I get out of the movie theater the first thing everybody does is turn their phones on. It’s like it has become more important than the real things around them. I was watching the news one afternoon and they were showing a video of this man sitting on his boat. He was on his phone possibly on social media and whilst he was doing this a big giant whale comes up out of the water and dives back down next to his boat. The man was completely unaware of this ever happening and just kept on doing whatever he was doing on his phone. The problem with all this is that we are so distracted because we take these things for granted. I personally wouldn’t be on my phone at a time like that!

Just like everyone else I personally can’t keep up with the pace of technology. Every 3 months where is something new and that something new can cost in the big thousands. It makes me wonder if big companies also really care about making our lives easier or just want to make a profit or both.

The catch 22.

Then I see on an Australian news talk show this morning that they are trying to implement one of those automatic 24/7 kiosks. But this is a catch 22 too. You see you got people who give up their time to work night shift to do those sort of jobs and possibly get paid penalty rates after hours. You gotta hand it to them. Whilst this automated kiosk is useful in terms of keeping workers safe they are also taking the jobs of those workers. This is where our economy would fail.

Here in Australia we have self serve check outs at our supermarkets/stores. Handy for customer’s independence and the convenience of having those when no other check out person is open. But puts more workers out of their position as check out people. I like using the manned check outs because its nice to build rapport with the staff and it is more humane to help them stay in work. I don’t want our unemployment rate to go up as a result of this technology otherwise we’d have more and more poor people.

I am not sure how to conclude this because reasons why technology is good and bad keep on coming up. Technology is just endless now. You can’t just end it and with it it starts with what we might need and find useful. Some of us don’t need technology at all. I hope these big companies find a way to make technology and humans more adaptable together so that somehow they can co exist ad that everybody kind of wins. What do I know? I am just a civilian!

Break Ups: The Art of Being Lonely

I recently broke up with my boyfriend, whom I had loved for 13 months. Why? Because he wasn't spending enough time with me and has said some terrible things. Now I am learning how to cope with being lonely again.

You realize how strange it feels to be without the person you once loved. You miss the romance and the companionship you once had and can't help remember the good times and the bad times.
You realize how strange it feels to feel lonely. You are not used to doing what you want and try to find the right head space to go back to where you were. One thing I really miss are the cuddles. The rest is history.

Being lonely isn't always within your control. It's the course of nature within being human. It comes and goes. When it comes sometimes it stays for a long time. Loneliness can bring sadness. It can bring anxiety. But can teach you more about you as a person as much as any other emotion. Therefore it can also bring some kind of independence. There comes a time where you come to accept an emotion while it's there when you feel like you have no choice.

I thought I was being treated better in my previous relationship and thought I could give my EX boyfriend the benefit of the doubt.  Now I realize how I was really being treated without being blinded by love again. I loved this man so much and I still do. But reality has it that it would not have worked out if I moved in or even had his baby. It would of been great if I even got an apology from this person. But what difference would it make now?

I think that there are a lot of men that have no Idea how to treat women in relationships and think that what they say and do is the right thing. I will explain in one of my next blogs of the top mistakes people make in relationships.



 

Day in the life of a depressed and anxious person

I have depression. I have anxiety. When I have both it's a living hell.

On my good days I feel like I am in the middle of the road. Life is bearable and I just go about

my days as somewhat normal. Sometimes I am a little numb. Sometimes I try not to show emotion so I don't embarrass myself.

After this paragraph you will think I am crazy and this chick has problems. Well yeah, you think?! Those who  know me in person might run off because they don't want to be burden by my emotions and would just think they are better off without me.

But when I get anxious it is only because I don't want the worst to happen. I get butterflies in my stomach that make me nervous and it just becomes overwhelming because you can feel it building and building. The feeling is so intense that you don't want to feel anything at all. This is were it becomes unbearable and just comes over you as you don't know what to do. 

THEN the depression comes in. You feel bad for going crazy and feel like you don't want to be around anyone because you feel bad for going crazy and just try to stay out of everyone's way because you feel it is better this way. You then think you are better off not breathing as a result of your bad experiences

 That everything feels pointless. I generally feel like this for days before I can get back to that somewhat kind of normal.

But here is the killer. When BOTH happens you feel everything. You over think everything even the trivial problems and whilst this is happening more upsetting things come into your head. The crying never stops and you feel like nothing and no one can help you. The frustration sets in and you feel like you could do something you regret the next day.

I am always trying to do things to make myself a better person because I do not think I am a good person at all no matter what anyone else says. I can't just cope just by doing things anymore. This is an ongoing battle with no conclusion. I can only be strong for so long. I'm always going to need some kind of help. I have been taking medication and getting professional help. But it only takes the edge off. It's never going to go away. It is what it is.

Relationships: When you learn

I have learned a lot about myself in recent years. I have learned more about what I can and cannot tolerate, How to handle things better. And I often think about how I feel about certain things in my life and try to figure out how to deal with them emotionally in the future like I always have.

Even when you are in your early 20s you are still learning a lot about yourself and sometimes you don’t know it until you are a little bit older. You are still in some kind of party mode and somewhat a loof. But within some kind of direction in life inside your head. Sometimes you get into situations that you are not aware of or even sure of only because you don’t have enough knowledge of it.

When I was in my controlling relationship I could only see love. I was completely unaware of the consequence because I was so dangerously happy. I might be contradicting myself here. However, I never really got a chance to enjoy my 20s as much as I’d like to or even got a chance to really do what I wanted. But I was already quite independent. My life ended up being on hold because of this and having “Demon” ended up being my only coping skill. We generally learn from our results when it is too late and can often have repercussions. But sometimes it ends up being a good thing because it can help us protect ourselves better.

Now I am no psychologist and I am no expert. But there is such as a thing as being self overprotective and sometimes that is one of my weaknesses. I think this occurred after my relationship with Demon failed. I really don’t want to get hurt again in any way just like the rest of us and I want to prevent those same bad things from happening. I am now in a relationship where I am learning how to make more accept ions because it’s different. I am being treated in a much better manner and I know a lot more than what I used to. I am learning to still be able to take charge of my life without being emotionally dependent on this person. I’m also learning how to love unconditionally again. But still be careful and be smart about it. I am always learning about myself in things especially when it comes to loving relationships. I have burnt so many bridges because of problems with others, where my self protection kicks in. But now I feel ready to built more friendships . Out of this am willing to open myself up along this knowledge.

We are born to learn. It is within our nature to start life with not knowing anything. My Grandmother always said that you are never too old to learn because you spent your whole life continuing to gain knowledge about everything.

I have learned how to truly emotionally appreciate that it is a very valuable and great life experience especially if it is something you have felt wanted to learn for so long. You feel this with what you love to do. When you learn about yourself more with making these psychological accept tions and having more knowledge you can move on. I have been stuck in this place for years with this fear of getting emotionally hurt again that I had this possibility that I couldn’t move forward. I kind of see this now. Just by writing this blog I learn the true meaning of doing research and going in with an open mind. I can still have my guard up. But within moderation. Not only I know it. But I feel it.

Abusive relationships don't have to always be physically abusive!

WARNING: 

This blog post is really emotional and may contain content that may offend some readers.

 

We have all been abused at some point of our lives and it can be really sad if you don't know different types of or only one type of abuse. I will tell you what it means to go through it. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and it had lead me into some kind of psychosis.
Here's my story.

When I was 22 I was living with my father. We were going through a tough time because he wanted me to try and move out and make my own way.  But it was hard because of my money situation. It was bad enough that I use my friends as a escape goat to stay away from my father. But out of it all my dad was a good father.
During this time I was on a dating website and used to hang out on their chatroom. I was feeling a bit lonely and usually would just spend a fair bit of time on my computer talking to people and web-searching thing I was interested in after I'd do my Job-search. I then met this guy who went by the nickname "Demon" and started a cam chat.

We hit it off really well. I found out he was in a metal band and was a graphic designer. He found out I sing. We had a lot in common. Our cam chats turned into really long phone calls and I started to really like him.  We eventually met and went out to dinner.
The relationship got really serious really quickly when my relationship with my father at the time got worse. I had a death in the family with the passing of my cat (Don't laugh!) and my mother couldn't believe the things that my father was saying to me. "Demon" was also temporarily living with his mum until he found a stable home himself.
About 3-4 months into the relationship we decided to move in together. I was so overly happy! I felt liberated and free. I started applying for even more jobs and attending more job interviews. I didn't stuff around. I was quite independent and not worried about anything. I felt positive and the momentum just kept going.
We then moved into a bigger place. a wonderful two story townhouse. It was better than our upstairs apartment. We were really happy and were able to to be fully settled within a few days.

But here was the reality
We used to fight a fair bit, which was really hard. He seemed quite set in his ways about everything even everything in our relationship. He'd get angry at me when I wasn't proactive or doing something wrong, complaining that the house was a mess and say really absurd things about me not "listening taking action and obeying", which were his exact words. Every time we had a fight he'd emotionally hold me down and give me a 5 hour lecture about how much I  am in the wrong. these lectures  would happen early at night til really early in the morning, when we are supposed to work the next day. I never ever got a say in any of our arguments and no matter what a said all he could ever say is "Are you finished yet". I would always feel like I am on trial for murder or something like that.
When we would have sex we would be halfway through and sometimes when I am halfway through I loose my libido so I would just say no. But Demon would just keep going and say "hold on I'm nearly finished"
 In the car he was a very angry person, he would growl and cuss at the driver in front of him to get them to move. He would make racist remarks about Asians and how rude they are.
There was also a time when he called me into his study so we could talk. He mentioned about the possibility of me getting breast implants. But he made the condition that if we ever broke up I would have to find a way to pay for them. I couldn't believe that he was mentioning it in the first place seeing as I have enough body insecurities already. But I went along with it and looked at possible surgeries with him anyway.
But I thought that this was somewhat normal and just carried on feeling guilty.

The End of the relationship 
So I'd be about to get into my hobbies again seeing as Demon was busy doing things on his computer. He walks up the stairs to the bedroom and says "I don't think we are going very well" .
He had so many excuses like I had four jobs since being with him, that I became his dependent. I was so overcome with emotion that all I could do was turn to my mother, who knew everything that was going on.
Three days after staying with her and the days after my Birthday I decide to come back to talk to Demon to decide what I want to do. But as soon as he got home he was talking to another woman on the phone. I was even more upset. Just when he makes a new wound he makes another new wound. double whammy. we had another fight. Before I realize it I came back to get my stuff, have it put in storage.

The big aftermath
This was when I was struggling emotionally. I had no one else but my family to turn to and lost all my coping skills. I went from being like a controlled housewife to being back in limbo. This was when I tried to kill myself.
But my life wasn't over yet. I knew in that moment that I needed help. Alot of help. I was in the psychiatric unit the next day and unable to even get out of bed. They medicated me until they found a caseworker for me. During that time I was missing Demon terribly. It seemed he was doing better than me. Three weeks later I got out and stayed at mum's longer. I started to get help.
During the time I was recovering I had found my own place, started studying again, started learning to drive and going out to the pub to help with my social life.

Reflection
When I was badly treated by Demon I thought that this was somewhat normal and just carried on feeling guilty and not really sure of how to handle it all. He manipulated me and controlled me for 18 months. He was in denial of it all and just didn't see it. I used to fall in a state of absolute panic every time something upset me, it was like it was the end of the world. I was so blindly in love with this person that I didn't see what the relationship was doing to me. In the past I had thought that if the person hadn't physically hurt me then I wouldn't be considered being an abusive relationship. I am a lot stronger now and have learned so much about what I can and cannot tolerate. It took me a long time before I could gain my own control of myself and my own life. I am 32 years old now and despite my anxiety and depression I am doing OK.

The Latest:
Demon tried to contact me again via Facebook. He said "It's been a while, message me sometime". I wasn't too happy about it. 7 years later? WTF! Then he came up with the story that one of his friends thought it would be funny to send me a message. But we all know that was bullshit. I did reply to the first message saying "Are you fucking kidding me"
I also found a message sent by Demon via MySpace from Last December. I only checked it now because these days I am not on it so much. He told the story that in those past two days he'd get a missed call from my number and wanted to check to see it was me. But we all know that was bullshit too. I replied and said "There is no way we are ever going to chat again so I suggest you stop contacting me or I will take legal action. I don't fucking need you in my life" .

What shall I say to this piece of work that belongs in my fuckwhit list?
Well I got a lot to say. But I won't say it to him because I know he will never ever listen to my thoughts and feelings after the way he treated me. It'd be a waste of breath and a waste of time and space. It is karma's job now. I am in full control my own life.

My Radio DJ Experience

(Pictures: Top: My radio station logo. Bottom: my mini studio)

Back in 2012  I had listened to other radio stations in the past and never thought that starting your own radio server on the internet would be possible or even somewhat easier with the technology we have today. I got inspired and then started my own radio station called J.U.Z.Z Radio to share my musical tastes.

At 12pm AEST every fortnight on a Tuesday (Australia time) I give up my workday just to play music to those who are interested and take requests for those who want their tunes heard.  I sit there for 7 hours lining up and playing songs from the 80s, 90s, alternative, metal, electronic genres and unsigned bands/artists and chat to people online when I could be earning another 50 odd bucks at my day job.

The reality                                             
Whilst being an internet radio DJ and an owner of a radio station was fun it was also very hard to get people to tune in especially if you had bands who didn't care about getting airplay or anyone you know of available to tune in at the time of your broadcasts. But these past few years I just did what I could.  What I do is very minuscule. I'd share all my radio links to other users in IMVU and Facebook to try and get some ratings. I don't do enough to get myself out there and simply because I don't know how. But sometimes I am OK with this because no money goes into the radio station and it's really just a hobby that gives me a bit of experience.  I just do the best I can.
 I also have had other DJ's and other radio hosts turn up to do their broadcasts and sometimes that is really hard. Not everyone is reliable enough to tell you when they can or can not Broadcast. So you can't guanatee and they can't guarantee that they will give your station consistent shows. What is hard too is that despite all your efforts you cant guarantee that the music you are playing is what people are really into. I can't figure out why bands don't seem to care very much about internet radio. As a musician I would KILL for radio airplay of any kind!
Then you got other technologies getting in the way of your radio ratings. Look at Pandora and Spotify, where all of the stations there just start on the first song in their playlists when a user connects! In a listener's eyes what have you got to loose, why would you want internet radio when there  are more and more options and listening flexibility elsewhere. No little radio station could keep up with that!

Uncertain Future
I have been doing this radio thing for nearly 4 years (roughly) and I am getting really tired. My boss at work doesn't listen to me when I can't come into work on the days I DJ and just rosters me on anyway. I don't get much emotional support from my family (Except for my mum and my stepdad) or much of my friends outside of the internet and feel like I need a reason to keep doing this. I have had my moments where I just want to quit. It's the listeners that really keep this going. But its the bands/solo artists and listeners that are the first to stop caring. I feel like there is an uncertain future here. It'd be a real plus to make something of this and earn more money. But It is also really difficult if even you yourself can't make your own shows because of life and technical difficulties. I know that can't do this forever because a radio station isn't a radio station without it's listeners.

My Kind of Limbo

Limbo

Noun 
An uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition.
(http://www.google.com) 

Everyone has their own definition of something. It just doesn't come from a dictionary. My definition of this is similar, Feeling lost and not being sure of what direction you want to take in life. It is also a feeling we all know and it brings anxiety to those who want a solution to something sooner. 

My current situation:

I have been in this feeling for a long time. I live in small country town where there isn't a lot of opportunity. I have a big house all to myself, which I do not own. I have a job that doesn't give me many shifts or makes me enough money and I am on Centerlink payments (Equivalent to government/welfare benefits). I have a limited social life,  so limited it is enough to make you feel alone when you don't want to be. I am at a stage in my life that I have lived in all this for so long that I realize that it is time to go.   

But where?  At least I have options.. But I admit it. I am a little afraid. Afraid of not getting by financially has been my biggest fear, fear of not getting work sooner in a new location. Then I also realize how long I'd last. I had been so comfortable for so long I feel stuck. It was another feeling I got used to. But now I want to get out of this town and it's like I have unwillingly emotionally trapped myself in my own house.  

Now I am staying for two weeks in another location with my boyfriend to see what this lifestyle feels like. I have been applying for jobs here everyday and have been easily been able to balance this with my music, getting fit at the gym and doing other hobbies.  At least I am doing something to stay sane whilst he is at work. The good thing is that I tend to feel happier in this location. My negative anxiety turns into a positive and things just seem bearable.

Being in limbo is such a funny feeling. But it has become a feeling I don't like and I know I am not alone there. It is amazing how I haven't even tried relocating yet and I'm already feeling like this. It's a weird feeling. like a feeling you have when there is nothing else to feel.This is the part I hate about being human. It would be great if we could have more control of how we feel.  That limbo feeling can be caused by life in general and making those serious life decisions that we all find daunting. You want to make  the change. But somehow you are fearful of the sacrifices you have to make. you are also somewhat fearful of the process of change. Being in Limbo is a very confining feeling. The kind of feeling that can put you into two minds about anything.

Now I question myself how do I get out of this feeling of entrapment? How do I bypass this slight fear of sacrifice? Do I think about what  I gain more IE More pros than cons? Can I do this?   

Then I question: Will I be able to get by financially? Will my relationship work out with my boyfriend? Will I ever find a back-up plan that could work for me? Will my next big move ever happen? What is the worst thing that could happen?
Well I guess only time will tell and I know that only I can get inspired to find my own solution. I have trouble taking advice from people and I don't know why.  I do listen to what others recommend and how they see different situations etc and it does help put some things into perspective. I do get some kind of help and support from family and a psychologist. But when it comes to my friends I just find it hard to confide in them. You can't rely on everybody. I guess that I gotta find a way to push myself no matter how hard this limbo feeling really is. I am hopeful that I can somehow get out of this.

Being the Jobseeker

(Picture: https://blog-content.glassdoor.com/app/uploads/sites/13/hire-me-sign.jpg)

So here I am on the wagon with this job seeking thing. But this is for a different stage of my life. you see I already have a job and live in a country town. But Now I want to relocate to another area and this is where I want that job. And no offense, There are a few things I do not like about employers.

Stating the Obvious
So I Sit here at my computer screen and I know where to start. There are three to four usual websites I go to that may help....as you do. I tend to spend about one or two hours looking and in the process of reading each job advertisement I outline all my strengths and think "Oh yes I have this, Oh yes I have that too, yes maybe this job does fit my skills and qualifications. I think I can do this." Now we all know that when you apply for a job it is essential to put a resume with an epic covering letter so you sit there an tailor that covering letter to highlight the job add how your skills fit this criteria. I am probably there for a good 10 to 15mins per application I do trying to make this happen without promises....as you do.

What I dislike:
I cant stand it when you apply for a job and employers don't ever try to make the time to call you or e-mail you back to tell you that you were not successful for the position and why (And sometimes it is the same for going for job interviews). I feel that it is rude and unfair and just plain inconsiderate. What are us Jobseekers doing wrong? why don't we qualify for your position? How can we fix this? How can we be better at this? You can't expect us to wait only to just assume that there is a high chance that it wasn't successful. We had the courtesy to give up our time to show you we are keen to join your company and apply for your job, Have the common courtesy to call us back!

Not only this I think that there should be more search options on some of these Jobsearch websites. 
What about something specific? what about a proper "sort by date" option that is easy to find on a page? There is No guarantee that the job you want to apply for is still available in two weeks time. On a number of occasions I have rung  up about a job position I was interested in and it was already filled. This job was posted 16 days ago and it is Still advertised. Why can't these website regulate it so that advertisements older than 7 - 10 days get automatically deleted.

We give up so much of our spare time cold canvasing, internet searching, keeping an eye out in newspapers etc that we feel tired. we have no control of what the employer wants to do after we go for any available position. We need money. But we also need and want to get out there and have a chance.  I believe that there is no chance if no chances are given. We put our offers on the table so we can help people. I know that this post seems personal. I know that it is just business. But I reckon employers also need to properly consider the emotions of people who take the time to make job applications. Like other things in life this Jobseeking task isn't easy and what is worse is that people with government payments get pressure to obey the rules or otherwise have their benefit payments cut off. When I move/relocate to my new location they will cut off my payments because I would need to quit my job (I live in Australia, we have Centerlink).  I'll probably suffer like the rest of them. But at least you know Jobseekers like me are actually doing something while the rich get richer. 

I might have more to add to this blog so stay tuned.

Relationships: Polyamory isn't for everybody.

 (Picture: from http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/love-sex/69342676/Do-polyamorous-relationships-actually-make-for-a-better-life)

Some of you may or may not be aware or have knowledge about this subject so first I will tell you what polyamory is to save you a bit of googling.

Polyamory is when there is a relationship with two people who are in a relationship with one or more people. There could be three in a relationship or even four and more and everyone just seems cool in it. Some couples or some individuals believe they have a lot of love to give and don't believe that a relationship shouldn't stop at just two people. There is so much information on this these days that I just can't absorb it all at once.

First, here is my story before I go onto my personal opinions, which I will discuss later in this blog.

Back in around 2011 I used to perform at local open mic nights at a typical small bar in a small country town. I saw this duo from out of town come down and play a set of cover songs. The duo consisted of a female guitarist/ vocalist and a male bass guitarist. I ended up be-friending the Female guitarist and we hit it off quite well. We ended up being really close friends. I then had a huge crush on her and kind of swept it under the rug because I found out that very first night she was married. 

I  then found out that she was bi-sexual and over a deep and meaningful conversation on Facebook she was explaining about polyamory, etc. I had no idea what this was and thought that relationships could only stop at just two people. But she believed otherwise. I found out she too had a crush on me and without me looking into this further I ended up being in a relationship with her and her husband.

But this didn't last long. After only three long months I ended this. None of this felt right for me and I just carried on living my life as normal, whichever normal really was. I agreed to still be close friends with her. Later on I decided to try doing casual threesomes with her and her husband. But she somehow had the idea that we were back together. But we weren't.

I then ended up in a relationship with my boyfriend, whom I have been in a long term monogamous relationship for over a year now. My first long term relationship in almost 6 years. I love this man. He understands me, listens to me, always there for me, faithful, loving, kind and everything I need in a person. The woman I was once in a poly relationship with didn't seem to respect this and did not back off when I needed her to. She tried to make moves on me like it was OK and  was still convinced we were back together. But we weren't. I ended up ending this friendship with both her and her husband.

This is what I really think of Polyamory.

Agree or disagree I feel that this glorifies cheating. making it OK to cross the line. The reason why not everybody goes down this road is because it causes so much trouble and like many things can cause many friendships and relationships to fail. I find it confusing and confronting and I think society still can see it this way. I am not completely against this because you can't control what someone is into. I know I'll have friends who are in relationships and are into this. But with me here is the golden rule. If you are in any way poly please don't get people whom have no idea or not into it involved. This is one of the reasons why poly can ruin certain things.

My Reflection

The poly relationship I was in was with someone who had very mixed up views on relationships and her husband was just going along for the ride. Her friends also by accepting what she was telling them.  The couple I was seeing wasn't just married. They were much older than I am, which seemed to make the problem slightly bigger. It was all good and well at the start. But it justified what I am really into. I stopped this friendship to protect my relationship between my boyfriend and protect myself so I don't fall into anymore vulnerable situations.. I wanted to keep things stable and sustainable and not cloud it by anybody Else's influence. I finally took charge of the situation. I learned something about myself here. I am not one of these people. I am not poly. It has just becomes another thing you learn about whether you can tolerate it or not.

Polyamory isn't for everybody.